


Is Love Enough?

by l_ss



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:48:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28290402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/l_ss/pseuds/l_ss
Summary: What if Arizona comes back? (in a COVID-free world)
Relationships: Maya Bishop & Carina DeLuca, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Comments: 48
Kudos: 394





	1. Chapter One

"Maya, I'm leaving", Carina yelled from the front door; her girlfriend was still in the bedroom getting ready since she had woken up later that day due to her previous shift running longer than expected. When their shifts started at a similar time, they would always leave together but today the doctor could not wait because she had many patients and she didn't want to be late. It was around 5:30 a.m; Carina drove carefully to the sound of Italian music, taking casual sips from the coffee she had taken with her. This was a relaxing moment that she found herself in the need of, especially now that her and Maya had constantly been arguing.  The couple had moved in together a little bit over a year ago, and it was great until it wasn't. Neither one of them knew when exactly things went downhill; they didn't even know if there actually was an exact time.

After Andy moved out, about ten months ago, they enjoyed every second like a newly wed couple who had just gotten their own house, and they also went through some changes in their pesonal lives.  Maya had contacted her mother again and they would frequently talk to each other; she had also complety cut ties with her abusive father and was dedicating herself entirely to getting a better mental health. After she understood the abuse her father had put her and her nother through, therapy hour was sacred.  As for Carina...well, her father had passed away about eight months before. It was a tought hit on the DeLuca siblings but they managed to get through it - it was the time Carina relied on Maya the most, and the firefigher presented herself as a great support system for the Italian - and now they were fine. The passing of their father seemed to have lit a light for Andrew and he was very strict with the treatment of his disease; also, him and Meredith were officialy dating. Maya and Carina had grown a lot in the past year, the only problem is that, in the process, they might have grown apart. 

The Italian doctor parked on her usual spot and entered the hospital greeting everyone she knew on the way. As soon as she changed into her scrubs, she started checking on the patients she had, never failing to to make them feel at ease with giving birth. The past year had also been great for Carina professionally speaking; being so in love and so good at her job made her fame at Grey Sloan skyrocket and all the pregnant women in Seattle seemed to want her as their obstetrician. 

"Look at our superstar", Teddy Altman joked a little when she saw Carina standing on the hall, "Have you already had lunch or are you going now?"

"Lunch?", she questioned confusedly; among consults and some paperwork, she was a little lost, "what time is it?"

"Almost 2 p.m", Altman informed

"Crap", Carina complained, taking her phone out of her pocket to check the notifications, "I was supposed to have lunch with Maya one hour ago...and I've got like a thousand missed calls and text messages from her"

"So many patients you lost track of time?", Altman asked

"That", Carina replied, "and the fact that me and Maya never seem to be able to communicate anymore"

"What do you mean?", Altman was curious

"I will tell you over lunch", Carina ended up giving in once she would have to grab a bite either way. They chose not to eat at the hospital cafeteria because they craved something tastier, so they went to a nice near restaurant and found themselves a table. Meanwhile, Carina tried to call her girlfriend with no success, thus opting to leave some apologies through text messages

"So, you and Maya...trouble in paradise?", After they were done ordering, Teddy broke the silence

"It hasn't been paradise in a while", Carina said, "she is fine, I am fine but we are not fine, do you know what I mean?"

"I do know what you mean", Altman affirmed, "but is there a major reason for that? I mean, did you guys have a fight?"

"We haven't had a fight, like real fight, but we have had arguments over the smallest and most stupid things ever and we seem to be growing apart a little more each day that goes by", Carina opened up about her relationship, "I'm honestly not sure if we will be able to make it"

"You know I love you and Maya very much and I am a big fan of you two together, right?", Altman was still not sure whether she should tell the Italian what she knew or not, "and I hate that you're going through this rough path now. I wish there was something I could do to help..."

"Give me an alternative", Carina joked. She didn't mean another person, she just meant an alternative way to handle things, different from what they were doing

"I...can't", Teddy's face changed colors a bit. At the same time she seemed willing to help Carina with her issue, she also seemed to be holding back some information she knew. Once the two doctors had been friends for a while now - not only Teddy was there when they had made up for the first time, she would also frequently visit them and they would eventually double-date - Carina was able to tell what was going on all too well.

"You can't what?", Carina quested rhetorically, "There's something you're not telling me. What is it?"

"I'm not sure if I should tell you, especially now", Teddy pondered, "but then again, it is something you will eventually find out so maybe it wouldn't be a big deal if I told you that..."

"That what?", the ob was about to lose it

"That Arizona is back in town"


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello how are you

"Hm", that's all Carina could say after what had been just revealed to her. Her and Arizona had history together and, although the Italian didn't love her anymore, she still cared for her a lot; afterall, they didn’t break up due to the lack of feelings. Had it been some other time of her life, Carina wouldn’t have cared about such news, yet her own relationship was on the edge and, whether she would admit it or not, she could use Arizona’s ease a little right now.

“That’s all you have to say?”. Teddy Altman quested with furrowed eyebrows

“Well, what else do you want me to say?”. Carina asked rhetorically. “you know what happened with us. She left me to take her child to be with her other mom in New York and now she’s probably back together with her ex. I loved her back then but I love Maya now.”

That was the end of that topic of the conversation. The doctors opted not to talk about it anymore, changing the conversation to day-to-day matters, Carina’s success at Grey Sloan and even talked a little bit about Teddy’s love life, which was going surprisingly well. Meanwhile, Maya and her team had just arrived at the station after answering to a call. Having congratulated her team, Maya walked into her office, closely followed by Andy.

“Okay, what is up with you?”, Andy asked as she closed the door behind her

“Nothing is up, I’m fine”, Maya lied 

“How many times have I told you that you cannot control your facial expressions? You have looked like shit all day”, Andy was honest with her best friend, “spill”

“I think my relationship with Carina might be coming to an end”, Maya blurted out, causing Andy to widen her eyes

“To an end? What do you mean?”, Andy questioned

“I mean me and Carina have grown apart. We don’t communicate anymore. Like, today we had agreed on going to lunch together but she completely forgot and didn’t even answer my calls. She only tried to contact me about two hours after”, the captain explained

“Maya, c’mon, you’re not going to break up because she forgot your lunch date. She was probably just busy at work, you shouldn’t hold it against her”, Andy gave her a more rational perspective

“It’s not just about lunch, Andy”, Maya continued, “it’s everything. We argue almost evey day. The other day we had the biggest argument over dirty dishes. Who on Earth fights about that?”

“Maya, I’m not a relationship expert but every relationship goes through a hard path sometimes”, Andy tried to offer her friend some comfort, “if you guys really love each other, which I know you do, you just keep fighting to go through it together, you don’t just give up. Tell you what: today, you surprise her. Cook, I mean, buy some nice dinner, set the table and wait for her at home. Make her remember how nice it is to be in each other’s company”

Maya nodded. It was actually a great idea and something doable. Maybe they could talk about all the things they enjoyed and try to reconnect in a way. She finally managed to reach Carina on the phone and was told the doctor would be home around 9 p.m once it was a crazy day at the hospital, so Maya decided to order some delivery since she didn’t know how to cook very well. It was around 8:30 p.m when the food arrived and Maya had already set the table and everything else, so she thought it would be a great idea to surprise her lover at Grey Sloan. Carina had the car, so she walked there peacefully. Asking around to know where the doctor was, she walked over to the residents’ lounge to find Carina there all by herself, getting ready to go home. 

“Would you give me the honor of taking you home tonight?”, Maya asked from the place she was standing at the door, making Carina turn her head and smile

“I should probably let you know that I have a girlfriend”, Carina jokingly warned the other woman

“Ok, but is she a badass firefighter?”, Maya joked back

“Oh, nah, she is as soft as they come”, Carina walked over to Maya, giving her a quick peck on the lips. Maya just rolled her eyes over being called soft.

“I’ve got a surprise for you at home”, Maya uttered, not being able to keep it in. Hand in hand, they walked outside to Carina’s car. 

“Do you, now?”, the doctor questioned curiously

“You just have to wait and see”, Maya said. They were almost at the front door of Grey Sloan when they heard someone calling Carina’s name, causing both heads to turn just to be met with a beautiful blonde woman.

“Arizona, hi”, Carina greeted her, squeezing her girlfriend’s hand harder


	3. Chapter Three

“So, that’s Arizona? Your ex?”, Maya questioned as she opened the door to their apartment, “it seems like you’ve got a type here”

“You did not cook all this by yourself”, Carina stated when she saw the table set, trying not to talk about the encounter that had happened a few minutes prior

“I did not. Delivery”, Maya explained, “Shall we sit down or do you want to shower first?”

“I feel like I should say shower first”, Carina smiled, “but I’m gonna say sit down and eat, I’m starving. Haven’t eaten since lunch”

“Huh”

“Crap, I’m so sorry about today, Maya”, Carina realized she hadn’t properly apologized yet, “I got completely caught up with patients and didn’t even realize what time it was”

“That’s fine”, Maya dismissed the topic easily, sitting down after having washed her hands; the doctor doing the same, “did you know she was back in town?”

“Who? Arizona?”, Carina questioned although she already knew the answer, “I did, yeah. Teddy told me today. But I hadn’t seen her yet”

“Seems like you’ve got a lot of catching up to do”, Maya’s jealousy came to the surface

“Probably, yeah”, Carina said nonchalantly, taking a bit of the food she had put on her plate, “this is really good. Where is this from?”

“That restaurant we always talk about going but never do”, Maya explained, “Is she single?”

“Maya, I don’t know. The only conversation I have had with her is the one you witnessed”, the Italian’s voice was a bit harsh

“Okay”, Maya gave up

The silence took over for a few minutes, but was soon broken when Carina started telling Maya all about her day and all the crazy questions she got asked by her patients, making the firefighter laugh. Dinner was better than they expected; they were actually able to have a real conversation without arguing about anything, which was rare those days. They even made jokes here and there. Andy deserved a well said thank you for giving the idea. Although the fact that Arizona was back was still in the back of their heads, they had a really good time together that night. Hopefully, it would last a little while longer.

"Okay, now I'm good to shower", Carina said after having eaten maybe a little more than she should have, "wanna join me?"

Maya did. A lot.

\-------

"What's this for?", Andy asked when Maya handled her a box of chocolates the next day

"For your idea of having a dinner date with Carina", Maya replied, "we had an amazing night"

"See, I told you! You just need to reconnect, that's all", Andy shared her thoughts

"But I also discovered that her ex is back in town", Maya complemented 

"The ex who used to work at Grey Sloan?", Andy quested, "Arizona, right?"

"That one", Maya confirmed, "Arizona who looks a lot like me but is ten times more fun and smiley, that Arizona"

"How do you know this?", Andy was curious

"I went to Grey Sloan to pick Carina up and we ran into her on our way out", Maya explained, "she was so nice I felt like throwing up. We're like twins but she's my complete opposite; a better, improved me somehow. And they're like...gonna work together now"

"So what? Maya, stop freaking out. Carina loves you”, Andy said, “also, stop being a hypocrite. Or should we go down the Jack road?”

“Fair enough”, Maya gave in, “we should go back to work now”

Maya tried to focus on her work, but Arizona never left her mind. She couldn't dismiss the fact that she looked a lot like the blonde doctor, making her think that maybe Carina chose to be with her because she reminded her of her ex somehow. Yet, at the same time, Arizona was this big ball of life and energy whereas Maya still hadn't completely worked on the fact that she felt dark and broken. Why was Carina with her when she could be with someone much better? Ok, Arizona had left to be with her own ex and their daughter, but what if she were single now? It would be pretty easy to leave someone like Maya for someone like Arizona. The day went by painfully slowly and Maya decided she needed another night like the one they had had the day before, so she went home with that thought on her mind.

\-----

“I’ve heard someone’s a superstar here”, Arizona commented as she entered Carina’s office. The Italian was concentrated on her new study, her schedule wasn’t as crazy as usual that day. 

“I’m really not”, Carina replied looking up, “people just like to talk”

“And you just seem to be the topic of every conversation”, Arizona said playfully, “your girlfriend’s nice”

“Maya? Yeah, she’s amazing”, Carina confirmed, with a smile on her face, “how’s Sofia? I didn’t ask you yesterday”

“She’s great, actually. She stayed back in New York with Callie”, Arizona revealed

“Oh, I see. You’re only staying here for a couple months, right?", the Italian asked, "I bet you already miss them”

“I already miss Sofia. Me and Callie are not together anymore”, Arizona clarified whatever doubt was still in Carina's mind

“I’m sorry to hear that”, Carina said truthfully

“Don’t be, sometimes things just don’t work out”, Arizona changed the topic, ”hey, if it’s not asking too much, would you like to go to dinner? I was supposed to go with Teddy, but she got caught up in a last minute surgery and I don’t really like eating by myself."

“Yeah, sure", Carina agreed, "do you mind just waiting for me to finish up here?”

“No, go ahead. I will wait for you in the lobby", Arizona exited the room, leaving Carina alone. The ob didn't know what to think about the situation. In all honesty, her feelings got a little confused when she saw Arizona.

Dinner was a blast for the two doctors. They were able to catch up about most of things, to talk about medical stuff and life in general. Carina told her about Maya, only leaving out the recent struggles they had been having and Arizona listened to everything attentively, sharing her experience with New York women, who she thought to be a little nuts. In the midst of a lovely evening, Carina found herself facing one more problem - she had forgotten to tell Maya. When she arrived home, Maya was waiting for her on the couch, the kitchen a little bit of a mess. Carina could see two plates on the table, one half eaten. That was the moment she knew for sure she had messed up.

“I tried to cook for you, made an omelet", Maya commented when she heard the front door swinging open

“I’m so sorry, I went out to dinner and forgot to tell you, it was very last minute", Carina excused herself a little poorly

“Who were you with?", Maya questioned, deep down a little scared to know the answer

“Arizona", Carina was honest; it didn't even occur to her to lie at that moment

“You’ve got to be kidding me", Maya was pissed when she got up from the couch

“She just wanted some company", Carina tried again

“Yeah, I just wanted some company too", Maya's voice was both angry and sad, "but I thought at least you would know how to use a phone"

“Are you really jealous?", Carina dismissed what her girlfriend had just said

“Of course I'm freaking jealous, Carina", Maya stated honestly, "Have you seen Arizona? Who wouldn't be?"

“You have literally nothing to be jealous about. We just went to dinner to catch up, that’s all", the doctor justified

“If that’s all, why didn’t you at least text me to tell me where you were? I was cooking for you”, Maya challenged the other woman

“I think it’s better if I sleep on the couch tonight”, Carina was too tired to have this argument - or any argument for the matter, so she decided it was best for them to talk the next day, when supposedly they would’ve cleared their heads, therefore being more rational. 

“I think so too”, Maya agreed. She was tired herself. The firefighter made her way to the bedroom without even looking back. As soon as she closed the door behind her, she couldn’t help the tears falling from her eyes; she also couldn’t help thinking that Carina didn’t love her anymore because of something she might have done or said. Arizona being back at this moment was just a matter of bad luck.

Carina stayed in the kitchen cleaning up. She felt extremely bad when she saw the plate with an omelet for her. Maya wasn’t the one to cook often and truth to be told eggs were the only thing she actually had the ability to prepare. The doctor didn’t mean to hurt Maya’s feelings, she had only forgotten to tell her, but the fact that her dinner company was Arizona did not look well and she was well aware of that. 

Maya left early in the morning to go running, as she would always do when she was upset about something. When Carina woke up, the firefighter was nowhere to be found. She knew she had to apologize, but it seemed this was all she was doing lately - screwing up and apologizing. And, so far, Maya was being really chill about it all. The Italian made herself only some black coffee once she didn’t have the stomach to eat anything; for her girlfriend, she prepared her usual protein shake and left it on the kitchen counter with a note that said 

“ _I am sorry, I love you_ ”


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a super short but sad chapter pls dont kill me

Carina had yet another busy day at Grey Sloan. She had never worked so much in her entire career; it was almost as if every woman in Seattle had decided to get pregnant at the same time. The woman was quite stressed given everything that had happened in her life recently. She still felt bad for what she had unintentionally done to Maya the night before, that’s why she decided to take advantage of the small break she had and visit her girlfriend at work, even stopping by at a coffee shop to buy some baked goods.

Walking in the Station, she saw some familiar faces and greeted everyone. Everybody there really liked Carina; the doctor was a delightful person to be around and when she visited Maya at work, she would spend a lot of time chatting with the other firefighters. She asked Ben if Maya was in her office and made her way there only to be met with a scene that surely wasn’t one of her favorites: Maya and Jack together, talking and laughing. Although everything had happened a long while back and the firefighter had done everything to show Jack really meant nothing to her in that way, Carina still felt a little unease at the two of them together. Maybe Maya felt ten times worse about her dinner with her ex. 

“Hey, sorry to interrupt, the door was open”, Carina said when her presence was noticed

“That’s alright, I was just about to leave”, Jack left the two women alone in the room

“I...I brought you food”, Carina broke the silence that Maya let wonder, “and my apologies. I am so sorry, Maya”

“I saw your note this morning, I forgive you”, Maya shared, “but honestly, Carina, is this the relationship you want? Fighting, making food and making up in an eternal loop?”

“What do you mean?”, the Italian questioned although she had the answer; it was the same thing that she had been wondering for a while now

“Do you really have to ask?”, Maya asked a little rhetorically

“Is this because of Arizona?”, Carina wanted to make sure this was actually about their relationship and not because of a jealousy moment on her girlfriend’s part

“You’re smarter than that”, Maya’s tone was ironic now, leaving Carina speechless, “you know we haven’t been fine for a while now, she was just a drop in the freaking ocean for me. That dinner, the other night, was the only time in God knows how long we were able to have a real conversation and a sex that wasn't entirely make up sex"

“I know”, Carina’s voice was sad. The blonde was rough, but she wasn’t wrong by any means, “but, Maya, this can’t be it for us. This cannot be how we end.”

“It can’t, and it shouldn’t be. But I’m tired, Carina. Our relationship was the best thing in my life but now it just drains my energy”, Maya was pouring her heart out, “I don’t know how we got ourselves in this situation and if it is my fault somehow I am deeply sorry because I love you, I love you a lot. But is love really enough for us at this point?”

  
  



	5. Chapter Five

"If it were, you probably wouldn't be asking me that question right now", Carina stated in a low voice. Although this conversation was a bit harsh, it was necessary and Maya was able to put into words everything that the doctor was feeling herself. Neither of them was sure what to do next.

"Can we...can we talk at home tonight?", Maya pleaded softly, "I can't do this right now"

Carina agreed. It was Maya's workplace afterall, and it would be better for both of them if they could chill a little before having such a complicated conversation like this one. The Italian left, but not before embracing the blonde woman in a tight, warm hug. 

Luckily for Maya - and not so luckily for the Seattle citizens - the Station had an agitated day, which required the Captain to be on the field rather than sitting in her office doing paperwork all day, leaving almost no time for her to focus on her own problems. That helped her get through the day relatively easier than Carina.

Although the doctor did have many patients, she wasn’t in a good place to be dealing with loving couples, so she judged it best to give her patients to residents once they only needed consults and routine exams and work on her study, alone. When she couldn’t concentrate on a single word she was reading, the thought that this might have been a wrong decision crossed her mind. All she could think about was Maya and the conversation they would soon have, which could mean either the end or a new beginning for their relationship and whereas she was hoping for the latest, the first one seemed more realistic. 

"You will not believe this case that just came in the emergency", Andrew DeLuca said as he walked into her sister's office, soon changing his tone when he noticed the look on her face "have you been crying?"

"No, I...", Carina tried to lie but couldn't think of a single excuse, "yeah, I have"

"What's the matter?", Andrew questioned worriedly, "is this why you've been stuck here almost all day?"

"I don't really want to talk about it", Carina shared with a crack on her voice

"Carina, c'mon, I'm your brother. You know you can talk to me about anything", Andrew sat on the empty chair facing his sister

"Maya and I...", Carina swallowed her own tears back, "I think we're over"

Andrew was quiet for a while. He reached over the desk to hold his sister's hand into his own and caress the back of it with his thumb. The general surgeon was aware of how happy Maya made his sister, he knew very well how important the firefighter was to both of them when they lost their father but Carina breaking down like this was very difficult for him, and he couldn't help but blame Maya a little

"Did she do anything to you? Did she...", he paused, taking a calculated breath, "did she cheat on you again?"

"Andrea, no", Carina defended the woman she loved, "we just...we have grown apart. She told me today that she feels like our relationship is just dead weight and as much as I want to disagree with her, and yell at her for thinking that, I...deep down I feel the same, you know? We're supposed to have a conversation tonight, but I don't know if I'm ready for it."

"Carina, I hate what I am about to say right now", Andrew was honest with the other Italian, "you know how much I care for Maya and I know how much you love her and if you are willing to fight for her I'm by your side but don't hurt yourself. Maybe it will less painful to let it go"

Carina stopped fighting against the tears. She knew her brother had a tough, yet good point. It would be harmful for both of them to keep fighting for something that they weren't completely sure had saving. Andrew refused to leave her side even when he got paged, transferring it to another doctor. Carina had been there for him too many times, she did not leave his side when he was hurting the most and he knew his sister was hurting a lot right now, so he stayed. He stayed until it was time for her to go home and all he could do was wish her good luck.

-

Maya was already at their apartment. Sitting on the couch, staring at the wall, the blonde woman didn’t bother turning around when she heard the door swinging open, leaving it for Carina to go sit by her side. When the Italian made herself comfortable, Maya was quick to approach her and take her hand, kissing it gently and exposing her tearful eyes. The little time the fire captain had alone in the apartment was enough for her to realize how hard the conversation would be, whatever decision they were to have about their future.

“How are we supposed to start this?”, Maya asked softly, looking into her girlfriend’s beautiful brown eyes

“Beats me”, Carina was honest, “I was ready to fight and yell at you for giving up on us”

“I’m not giving up on us, Carina”, Maya told her gently, “but I’m hurting. And I know that you’re hurting. What’s the point of holding on to something that is not good for neither one of us?”

“We’re not working anymore, are we?”, Carina asked almost rhetorically, but Maya nodded her head negatively either way, “what happened to us?”

“If I knew the answer to that question, trust me, I’d go back and fix every little thing because…”, Maya paused a little, “because you were the best partner I could’ve ever asked for”

“Were, huh?”, Carina noticed the verb tense the woman had used

“I don’t want to keep pretending”, Maya shared, “I don’t want to keep pretending that we are okay, that everything is fine. It’s exhausting.”

“I know”, Carina agreed, “I’m exhausted too. But it’s you, Maya. I don’t want to not have you in my life. Can I ask you something? But you have to promise not to be mad at me”, the Italian pleaded and Maya agreed, “is any of this because of Arizona?”

“It’s not”, the sincerity in Maya’s voice was noticeable, “we weren’t doing well long before. Her being back was just a matter of bad timing. And I trust you when you say you are just friends now, but I do have to admit, I am a little jealous of her. She’s like this big ball of sunshine”

“I know you still think you are all dark and twisted, but the sparkle on your eyes tells such a different story. You are one of the sweetest people I know”, Carina commented knowing very well where Maya’s jealousy was coming from

“Don’t do that”, Maya begged, “you’re making it so much harder than it already is”

“Are you sure you want to do this?”, Carina questioned

“No”, Maya blurted out almost immediately, “but I think it’s better to do it when we still care for each other, and have love for each other rather than when we have a big fight and end up hating each other’s guts. I would not forgive myself if I ever hurt you again, in any other way"

“Relationship expert Maya Bishop strikes again”, Carina joked through tears, “I love you”

“I love you too”, Maya scooted closer to her ex-girlfriend. When Carina’s lips touched hers, she had no strength to pull away, melting into the other woman’s mouth. This, for sure, wasn’t the smartest thing to do. However, when Maya’s mouth started kissing Carina’s neck, the turning back point was long gone. The two women held each other so tightly, they might as well have broken a law of physics. Clothes started being scattered all around the living room floor; their naked, sweaty bodies reached for every inch of contact; the neediness of their touches were translated in heavy breaths and loud moans. The act carried the most varied emotions, from love to pain, from wanting to having to let go. The couch turned into a comfortable bed; Maya’s naked chest into the most comfortable pillow. 

And in the morning, that was no longer Carina’s house.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry  
> happy new year (?)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it feels so weird that tousands of people have clicked on this story lol  
> hope u are enjoying it thank you very much

“Can you take these to the car?”, Carina asked her brother as soon as she finished packing the last boxes. It felt so weird to leave a place she got so used to calling home. 

“Sure”, Andrew agreed, “do want me to wait for you outside?”

Carina did. She needed one last minute to look around and say goodbye to that place - and, on some level, to Maya. As she looked around, she was reminded of all the great moments they had had at that place, all the fun, the laughs, the get togethers with friends, the times they stayed up night talking about the universe and whatnots, the times they got home needing each other so much they barely made it through the door without ripping off their clothes; all the breakfasts and dinners together on the kitchen counter. Moments that would be nothing but memories now. 

This was it.  She had promised Maya she would leave the keys in a drawer in the bedroom. which was the first place she had taken her things out of, the day prior. When she opened it, she found a single rose with a note that said “ _ be happy”.  _ The Italian whipped the shy tears coming from her eyes.

“Screw you, Maya”, Carina smiled warmly and sadly to herself. This was more than she could handle. She took out both the note and the rose, walking outside to meet her brother and go to his house. He welcomed her for the first days, but Carina hated to feel like a burden, which she did especially now that Meredith was spending a lot of time at Andrew’s place, so she quickly found a house for herself.

The first weeks were very tough for both of them. They tried to drown themselves in work and leave little time for everything else once having mutual friends meant constantly running into each other and that wouldn’t make it easier. Nothing seemed to make it easier, honestly - even with more time passing, they still missed each other like crazy, and they still cared for each other. That’s why Carina got so worried when she saw Maya sitting on a gurney in the emergency area.

“What happened? Are you okay?”, the ob asked as she walked over to where Maya was

“Bad luck. Burned my hand”, Maya shared, showing the burn to Carina

“Ouch”, Carina commented, the injury looked quite bad, “work related?”

“I wish”, Maya said, “boiling water at home to make pasta”

“C’mon”, Carina laughed at the woman, “are you for real?”

“Wish I wasn’t”, Maya replied, smiling at the sound of Carina’s laugh

“How are you?”, Carina asked after a short silence, her voice soft and low

“I’m...getting by”, Maya responded honestly, “and you?”

Carina didn’t have time to answer, though, because Arizona approached them

“Hey, Teddy wants to know if you’re still up for tonight”, Arizona quested Carina with her usual happy tone, just later realizing who the Italian was talking to and the situation Maya found herself in, “shoot, sorry. What happened, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, it’s nothing major”, Maya’s tone was slightly different, a little more unintentionally harsh

“Okay, good then”, Arizona commented, turning to Carina before leaving the two women alone, “don’t forget to get back to Teddy”

“See, happy all the time, annoying”, Maya jokefully referred to something they had previously talked about, making the ob roll her eyes and laugh, “what’s tonight?”

“Drinks at Teddy’s”, Carina shared, noticing that Maya was a little bit more than just curious, “women’s night, everyone’s going”

“Hope you have a good time, then”, the captain wished sincerely, “if it’s not too much to ask, could you get someone to patch me up? I really gotta get to work”

“Sure, of course”, Carina said, “but can I tell them it’s for a fire captain who burned herself boiling water at her own place?”

Maya just rolled her eyes as the doctor left laughing. She couldn’t help thinking about the thing at Teddy’s house, because that meant Arizona and Carina together, and they were both single. But why on Earth was she jealous? She had no business being jealous. They weren’t in a relationship anymore. And she didn’t even know if the two doctors were actually more than friends, although the fact that she had witnessed a flirtatious moment between the two some days ago when she came in bringing a patient - a soft smile on Carina’s lips as Arizona’s hand rested on her shoulder - did not help with her case. However, she was all for Carina’s happiness, even if Arizona, a better, happier version of her own self, was the one to do it.

Maya had a point. Arizona was respectful to wait a while after the break up, but she couldn’t pretend she wasn’t attracted to Carina at all, so she started flirting with the Italian, little by little, from small touches to invitations for dinners. Since she wouldn’t be in town much longer, this was her chance to try and win her over again, even if she was sure it would be difficult once she was aware of Carina's feelings towards her ex. They had had a very nice relationship back in the day, so she thought maybe they could finish what they had started; maybe, if she won Carina’s heart back, the free spirit in the other doctor would accept to move cities and be with her in New York, at least until Sofia was old and mature enough to have her two mothers living in different cities. Nevertheless, Arizona hadn’t had much luck so far.

-

Over a month had passed by since they broke up, and the recovery process was still slow. Maya’s apartment still felt empty. She hated waking up to a cold side of the bed, brushing her teeth without the other woman hugging her from behind and kissing her shoulder gently; she hated how neat the kitchen counter was without all the italian cuisine; she hated going back home and finding no one but herself. She hated life without Carina.

The doctor wasn’t doing much better. That house felt too big only for herself. Mornings without the sound of the blender as Maya prepared her protein shake were boring; waking up to the sound of the alarm clock instead to the feeling of Maya's kisses was boring, not hearing about firefighter stuff that she only pretended to understand was boring; dinner all by herself was boring. Life without Maya was boring.

But they had to get used to it. They were over, and that was it. Right?

-

“Hey, are you going to that party tonight?”, Jack asked Maya when they were hanging out in the Station’s kitchen

“Nah, don’t feel like it”, Maya replied, “are you going?”

“Free booze? Of course I’m going”, the man confirmed his presence, “besides, it’s been a while since Inara and I have had a night out”

“That makes you guys sound as if you were 1000 years old”, Maya jokefully noted

“Well, that’s the age we feel”, Jack joked back

The party Jack was talking about involved people from Grey Sloan; consequently, it involved  _ her _ . That’s why Maya thought the best thing to do was stay home that night. Although she would probably feel lonely, she still wasn’t ready to see Carina kissing other people; which she thought was bound to happen with Arizona there.

-

“What time are you guys going tonight?”, Arizona threw the question to Carina and Amelia in the attendings’ lounge

“Around 9, I think”, Amelia shared, “can’t be home too late, I’ve got a kid waiting for me”

“And you?”, Arizona directed her question specifically to the Italian

“I’m not sure I’m going”, Carina uttered, hearing complaints from both women

“What do you mean you’re not going?”, Amelia questioned, “it’s free drinks and pretty people”

“Aren’t you married?”, Arizona kidded

“Married, not blind nor dead”, Dr. Shepard joked, the sound of her pager filling the room right  after, “okay, I’ve gotta go, but when I come back I am changing your mind, you annoying hot Italian”

“She is right”, Arizona commented when the neurosurgeon left the room, referring to either the party or her last sentence, “and I thought that maybe we could leave early? Do something, just the two of us”

“I think I will have to pass on that one”, Carina dismissed one more of the blonde’s advances, “I really don’t feel like partying today”

“Okay”, Arizona accepted, “if you change your mind, you have my number. I can pick you up.”

Carina nodded. She did not want to go to the party mostly because Maya would probably be there, and she wanted to pass on the chance of getting hurt from something she might see. As soon as her shift was over, Carina went home, opting to take a shower and watch on Netflix. She was binge-watching Narcos and, truth to be told, a little bit in love with the brazilian main actor. Around 10 p.m, Arizona called her multiple times, but she didn’t pick up any of the calls, her decision was already made - no party. Yet, she did feel like drinking. Because of that, she changed into some casual clothes and made her way to her usual bar, which was walking distance from her new place. It would’ve been a nightmare to have chosen a house outside of that neighborhood. She just wasn’t expecting to see that familiar face.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well what can i say

“You are the last person I thought I would be seeing tonight”, Carina opted for a jokefull tone to lighten the mood from the start as she sat down by the other woman’s side; they were still friends after all

“I can literally say the same about you”, Maya said honestly, “no party for you tonight? Why?”

“Do you want honesty or do you want me to lie?”, Dr. DeLuca questioned with a smile

“Now I’m scared”, Maya replied

“I kinda didn’t want to see you there”, Carina shared, the reasons behind her wish better left unsaid, ”what about you? Why aren't you there?”

“Do you want honesty or do you want me to lie?”, Maya mimicked what the other woman had just said, “I kinda didn’t want to see you either”

“Well, we’re doing a shitty job”, Carina scoffed, a little jealousy coming to her tone when she saw a napkin with a number and a woman’s name on it next to Maya’s hand. ”Is she pretty?”

“Who?”, Maya questioned confusedly, just then seeing where Carina’s eyes were focused, “ah...yeah, she is”

“I should probably call her and give her a heads up, then”, the Italian said seriously, causing Maya to furrow her eyebrows in confusion, “don't hook up with this woman, she has never watched FRIENDS”

“We dated for more than a year and you never got me to watch it”, the firefighter caught up on the other woman’s banter, “I blame you really”

“Everytime I’d put it on for us to watch, you fell asleep”, Carina commented, “what did you want me to do? Tie you to the sofa and force you to watch it?”

“You didn’t seem to have a problem tying me up to do other things”, Maya’s tone was flirtatious and sexy, recalling the naughtiest moments of their relationship and making Carina choke on her own saliva

“Okay, I need a drink”, Carina managed to get words out, ordering herself some wine.

The meet was unexpected, but the two women weren’t complaining. If they tried so hard to avoid each other and ended up in the same place at the same time, maybe this was the universe’s way of telling them something. It felt nice to be in each other’s company, to be able to drink and talk all night long without interruptions or problems. It was almost as if they were meeting each other again for the first time - even the bar they were at was special. Whereas both of them felt all that, none of them said a word, hoping not to mess everything up.

“Crap, it’s 1 a.m already”, Maya noticed as she checked her phone, “I’ve got an early shift tomorrow”

“1 a.m?”, Carina sounded surprised, “I should go too”

They argued a little to see who would be paying the bill and with much insistence, Maya won the discussion and consequently lost money. She didn’t mind, though. She wanted to pay. She would pay a million dollars if it meant being able to have times like this with Carina again.

“Wearing sneakers to a night out?”, Maya noticed as they made their way to Carina’s place, side by side, in silence, the Italian pretending not to be aware that Maya was intentionally walking her home, “that’s a first”

“Try having to walk this distance in high heels after drinking”, Carina commented, “that would’ve killed me”

“You could always have called an Uber”, Maya noted rightfully

“Okay, smarty-pants”, Carina helf-ignored the other woman

“Or you could have taken your shoes off”, Maya gave her yet another option

“Now you’re just being annoying”, Carina smiled, stopping abruptly, “this is me”

“That’s quite a nice place”, Maya opinionated when she saw the house, “very close to everything”

“I like the neighborhood”, Carina explained before an awkward silence, “well, I’m gonna go inside now”

“You do that”, Maya said, holding back the thoughts on her mind

“Let me know when you get home”, Carina asked softly, “just so I can know you’re okay”

“Will do”, Maya assured her, “good night, Carina”

“Buonanotte, captain”, Carina smiled as she closed the door. She felt happy. With all the endings this night could have had, this for sure was the best one. She took off her clothes and wandered around the house naked, just waiting for Maya’s message so she could take a shower and go to bed knowing that the firefighter had made it home safely.

“ _Safe and sound_ ”, the message popped up on Carina’s phone and she opened the conversation to answer and set her alarm for the other day. The smile on her face was a sign of both drunkenness and happiness. Shower taken and pajamas on, she made herself comfortable on the bed and hugged the pillow beside her, cursing the wind when it didn’t smell like Maya. Somewhere near there, Maya’s bedtime wasn’t more fortunate.

-

“You’re late”, Andy noticed when she saw Maya walking in the captain's office, a big smile on her face, “and awfully happy for someone who stayed home alone last night. Who did you have sex with?”

“What?”, Maya tried to sound attacked, “who said I had sex with anyone?”

“Well, you’ve been like shit since you broke up with Carina and you also haven’t had sex since then, so…”, Andy continued in order to complete her thoughts, “being late plus being happy can only mean sex. Who is she?”

“Okay, if I did have sex, how do you know it’s a she and not a he?”, Maya decided to play her friend’s game

“Because if you are this happy, it means you had a mindblowing orgasm so it’s a she”, Andy explained her line of thought

“Fair enough”, Maya accepted, “but I didn’t have sex. I went out by myself yesterday and I just had a really nice time.”

“By yourself?”, Andy doubted

“By myself”, Maya confirmed her statement with such a straight face it would be almost impossible to know she was lying

“I haven’t just met you. I know you’re not telling me the truth”, Andy stated, “and I am gonna find out. Everything”

Her friend went back to work and Maya just rolled her eyes at the interaction. She really hadn’t had sex, she wasn’t lying about that, but she also wasn’t alone and she couldn’t stop thinking about how much she liked the company she had. The captain wasn’t sure what it that night meant for them, if it even did mean something; maybe it was just a casual encounter of friends, who drank and talked all night long. Or, in a much more difficult shot, it was a new start for her and Carina; however, that was a road she didn’t feel like going down once she could be imagining things and end up getting hurt. All she knew was that she wanted to talk to Carina again, so she decided to text the doctor.

_“Hangover?”_

_“Who says I was drunk to begin with?”_

_“The fact that you tripped a thousand times on the way to your house”_

_“Is that why you followed me there?”_

_“I didn’t follow you there, I kept you company. Seattle can be dangerous”_

_“So then you were protecting me?”_

_“It’s my job to protect the citizens”_

_“Isn’t that what you should be doing right now?”_

_“Slow and boring day”_

_“Any way I can make it better?”_

_“If you are still my friend on any level, you’d bring me your lasagna”_

Maya still found it weird to use the word “friend” to refer to Carina; yet, being friends was better than not having her in her life at all. Meanwhile, at Grey Sloan, Carina was smiling so hard at her phone, Shepard couldn’t ignore it as she passed by the Italian in the hall. This for sure had something to do with the night before.

“Doesn’t go to the party, arrives late, can’t stop smiling at the phone”, Amelia noticed, scaring Carina a little, “name, please”

“Carina DeLuca”, the Italian playfully said, receiving a slap on the arm from Amelia, “aggressive. I feel sorry for Link”

“You’ll feel sorry for yourself if you don’t tell me what you did last night”, the neurosurgeon threatened

“I did nothing. Stayed home, alone”, Carina lied

“And you’re smiling at your phone because it is telling you jokes?”, Shepard was ironic

“I just saw something funny on the internet”, the Italian lied again, trying her best to stay serious

“Okay, show me then”, Amelia challenged her

“I don’t want to”, Carina refused immaturely

“I am watching your every step, DeLuca”, Shepard warned, walking away from the Italian once she was a bit late for a consult. Working is something Carina should probably do too, so she left her phone aside and started checking her patients’ charts. Nevertheless, her mind was way too focused on deciding if she should visit Maya at work, even if she did not have any lasagna to take with her.

“Hey, I brought you some coffee”, Arizona interrupted Carina’s thoughts, handing her the cup and receiving a thank you in response

“You look incredible”, Carina noticed, finding it impossible not to comment on the woman’s looks

“Well, thank you”, Arizona smiled, “so, I was thinking. That place you told me you were crazy to go to, I got a reservation, tonight, 8 p.m. Wanna go?”

Carina stopped for a second. She knew it wasn’t just a casual dinner invitation; the ob wasn’t stupid not to notice that Arizona had been flirting with her for a while now - although she had dismissed some of the advances, she flirted back a couple times. Her feelings towards the other doctor were still a little confusing once they did have a past together. She found Arizona beautiful, amazing and the owner of a personality so full of light that everyone would feel attracted. Maybe it would do Carina no harm to give her another chance. Her relationship with Maya was over, and they were just friends now...right? Her mind still didn’t have a clear answer for that question.

“Sure”, Carina decided

“See you there then”, Arizona walked away happily.

-

It was 7 p.m when Carina finally finished everything and put an end to her shift. She had taken some nice clothes with her, nice enough to go to her dinner with Arizona straight from the hospital. Nevertheless, going home to take a quick shower wouldn’t be a bad idea and that’s what she decided to do. Until she remembered Maya’s message.

“ _Still at work?_ ”, Carina texted the firefighter and received an “ _unfortunately_ ” in response. Right there, she changed her plans and made her way to Station 19 for a short visit, knowing damn well that seeing her ex, who she still had strong feelings for, before going on a date with her other ex, who she was confused about giving another chance to or not, was a very bad idea. When Andy saw Carina walking to Maya’s office trying not to catch anyone’s attention, she knew something might have been up.

“Okay, so, I didn’t have lasagna but…”, Carina said as she opened the door to find Maya buried in paperwork, “I brought you this very questionable burrito I bought from a stand nearby”

“Oh, God, even the smell of that is terrible”, Maya commented making a face

“I know, sorry”, Carina agreed, throwing the food in the trash, “I didn’t have any lasagna made and I know how you tend to never eat at work and how unhealthy that is, so…”

“So you brought me possibly poisoned food”, Maya joked, smiling

“That’s only because I care about you”, Carina tried to make it sound like a joke, but her voice gave away how she actually felt

“I’m leaving in about thirty minutes. If you want to wait, we can grab some real food together”, Maya tried her luck

“I…”, Carina considered whether or not to say the entire truth, “I can’t. I’ve already got plans”

“Another women’s night at Grey Sloan?”, Maya wondered curiously

“Actually”, Carina breathed in deeply, “I have a date”

“Well, I hope you’re not going to this burrito place”, Maya’s voice was a mix of frustration and jealousy, even though she was trying to sound funny, “and you should probably get going. Don’t wanna be late, do you?”

Carina nodded her head negatively. Maybe she shouldn’t have said anything about the date, maybe Maya had asked her out with intentions other than friendship after everything that happened in the last hours, maybe she screwed up a big chance for the two of them; so many maybes. But she didn't want to risk it. Carina went in for a hug, well reciprocated by the firefighter, kissing her forehead as a goodbye sign.

“Carina”, Maya called the other woman’s attention as she was leaving the office, “say hello to Arizona for me.”


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates, updates everywhere
> 
> ((had this one almost ready to go but they next chapter might take a little longer sorry

What a way to end the day, Maya thought to herself as she finished up her work. If she had been stabbed in the chest, it probably would have hurt less than knowing Carina was going on a date, possibly with Arizona - she didn’t know if, in fact, the other doctor was Carina’s company. but the probabilities were high. It hurt either way. Then again, they were over; she had no business snooping in Carina’s love life, even if they were still...friends. And just friends. If her ex was able to move on with her life, she thought she would too so she texted the woman who had given her the number on the napkin at the bar, inviting the stranger over to her apartment. She didn’t bother saying goodbye to anyone at the Station; she also didn’t bother with a fancy dinner - or any dinner for the matter - to welcome her guest. She had enough alcohol for both of them and, if they got hungry, they would order some food. 

As she was sitting on the couch waiting, glass of whiskey on her hands, she remembered what Carina said to her some time before. Sighing in frustration, she put her drink on the table in front of her and went to the kitchen in order to find herself whatever food she still had in her place, complaining the entire time about not being able to dismiss Carina’s worry.

-

Carina was simply obsessed with the restaurant her and Arizona were at. The decoration, the waiters, the drinks, the food - everything was amazing and the amount of money she was about to spend would be totally worth it. Her company was good too. Carina really enjoyed talking to Arizona ever since they met; she was the type of person who wouldn’t let awkward silences take over, who would always have a smile on her face and talk about whatever topic it was. She was easy, and Carina could use someone easy. But it was when her mind started going at a thousand miles per hours - if her and Arziona did get back together, this would mean her and Maya were over for good; and this would mean long distance relationship or her moving to New York and basically having a child; what about Maya? What was she doing now? Had she gotten upset because Carina said she was going on a date? And how on Earth did she take such a certain guess on whom she was going on a date with? Was she with anyone?

Taking a deep breath, Carina took a sip of her wine and went back to paying attention to what Arizona was saying, hoping the blonde didn't notice she had spaced out.

-

Maya liked the woman alright. Charlie, who was a lawyer, had quite the personality and was pleasant overall. They ended up ordering some food from a restaurant nearby and, when they were done eating, things started going downhill for Maya. As they sat on the couch, Charlie moved closer to the owner of the apartament, giving all the signs in the world of what she wanted. Her hand, which just rested on Maya’s leg before, was now caressing it slowly and firmly, giving soft squeezes from time to time. She felt so dirty when their lips connected, their tongues colliding, Charlie sitting on her lap with her shirt long gone. But Charlie’s skin was too cold, she didn’t know the way around Maya’s neck, her touch was just wrong. All Maya was feeling was nothing. That’s why, that night, she went to sleep alone.

-

Arizona insisted so much to pay the bill that Carina ended up giving in. Good thing the blonde was a doctor, otherwise she would’ve gone bankrupt after that. They walked to their cars side by side, Arizona’s hand resting on Carina’s lower back. When it was time to say goodbye, both of them were wondering what would be the best to do it. However, Arizona was bolder and leaned in for a kiss, taking the Italian’s lips into her own and pulling their bodies closer together. Carina was taken back in the start, but soon found herself reciprocating. A couple years back, the ob found this kiss one of the best she had ever had; now, she just found it to be tasteless. 

Carina prefered to go home alone that night.

-

Maya and Carina both felt weirdly similar. A strange, odd sensation that they had cheated on each other even though they were convinced they were just friends now. Kisses that didn’t taste right, touches that were too rough, perfumes that weren’t familiar. Moving on, no matter how necessary, was horrifying. But they decided to force themselves to do it. Because, laying in her bed, the imagination of what Carina and Arziona could be doing at that moment haunted Maya. And, as the warm water hit her naked body, Carina’s mind couldn’t stop wondering how many women Maya owned the number of.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my children  
> i just wanna say thank you so much for the feedback i read all your comments and they make me so happy  
> btw kudos to isa who gave me a nice idea for a part of this chapter  
> enjoy

“Wow, who ran you over?”, Andy asked as she saw Maya at work in the morning

“Good morning, captain. How are you? Did you sleep well?”, Maya's irony joined her stress in the tone of her voice

“I prefer yesterday’s Maya”, Andy commented, “does your mood have anything to do with Carina being here last night?”

“If I tell you it does, will you leave me alone?”, Maya questioned patientelessly already, but changed her tone when she saw her friend was actually worried about her, “maybe it does”

“Everything alright with you...being friends?”, Andy asked

“Yes. I mean, I think so”, Maya shared her confusion, “she came in here to bring me food because she was worried about me but then she left to go on a date”

“And is there a problem there?”, Andy was confused. “friends worry about each other, especially friends who have dated. And you don’t have a relationship anymore, she is free to go on dates”

"I know, I know all that but…", Maya didn’t know how to begin explaining what she was feeling. All those mixed signs she thought to be receiving, especially in the past few days, confused the hell out of her.

"She's moving on, Maya”, Andy finally concluded, “It's about time you do the same"

-

“Arizona has told me all about yesterday”, Teddy said as they stood next to the coffee stand outside Grey Sloan

“Already? It’s literally 6:30 a.m”, Carina commented almost asleep

“Well, we do have these amazing things called cell phones”, Teddy joked a bit, “is it a problem?”

“That’s just...fast”, Carina began to explain her concern, “it was only one date, I didn’t know she would go around telling people already”

“Okay, first of all, I’m not people”, Teddy sounded offended, “second of all, I’m the one who told her to make the reservation and invite you”

“You?”, Carina was surprised to hear that, “why would you do that?”

“Because, Carina…”, Altman began explaining nicely, “you broke up with Maya two months ago, it’s about time you move on. And it’s Arizona, she’s not a stranger, she cares about you”

“She left me to go to New York”, Carina hurtfully recalled what happened

“And now she’s back, and you’re both single and she’s willing to try again”, Teddy shared, “the question is: are you? Because, if you are, the time is now. She is leaving in ten days”

-

Carina tried. She tried so hard to reconnect to Arizona on any level. She knew that Arizona was one of her best shots at getting over Maya, even if it didn’t mean them jumping straight into a relationship. Carina and Arizona went on dates almost every day in the course of the ten days; everywhere in Seattle one could imagine. They spent all the free time they had together. They had fun, Carina wouldn’t deny that, but the kisses still felt tasteless, Arizona’s hand still didn’t fit well into hers. The Italian doctor couldn’t feel her body react even when Arizona’s hands were touching her bare chest, kissing every inch of her body, laying clotheless on top of her. Sex felt...blah. In these ten days, Carina completely cut ties with Maya, to see if it would help her in any way. It didn’t. Ten days, and nothing. No desire. What Carina had once felt for Arizona seemed to be long gone. The feelings that she thought to still have when she first saw the woman were just powerless remnants of what they once were. 

Meanwhile, Maya tried to follow her friend’s advice. Self-care wednesdays became self-care every day, especially after she had the confirmation that Carina and Arizona were indeed seeing each other. Sex without feelings was kinda funny now. She tried to go on some dates, to create whatever deeper connection with anyone, she didn’t care who at this point, but the universe wasn’t by her side, or maybe she was just being too demanding - no voice was right, the sound of no laugh was pleasant and people speaking with no foreign accent was just dull. But Maya knew she was the one to blame, she still kept looking for Carina in every person.

-

It was supposed to be Arizona’s last night in Seattle, the night Carina would have to make a decision in regards of the other doctor - although she still didn't feel a thing, she thought that perhaps if they kept trying, she could. Would she move to New York? Would she put herself in the troubles of a longdistace affair? Better yet, was she prepared to do it?

Arizona invited only Teddy and Carina for their usual bar to grab some drinks and talk. The night was going relatively well, until the Italian turned her head to the door to witness the last person she could handle seeing that night walking in, accompanied. Maya smiled in the direction of the table the doctors were sitting, but never walked up there to say a proper hello, opting to find her and whatever-her-name-was a table not so close. Carina was making so much effort to pretend as if she didn’t care about what was happening a few feet away from her; however, she couldn’t help it but look from time to time. In-between drinks, Arizona excused herself to go to the bathroom, finding a line companion she didn’t really want. Maya did her best to hold her words in, she really did, but it was stronger than her.

“You’re a nice person”, Maya stated, making Arizona’s head turn to her, “from everything that I have heard about you and from what I have seen, I can tell that you’re a nice person. And Carina, she is my…”, the firefighter gulped, “she is my friend, and one of the best people I know and she deserves someone nice”

“Maya, I…”, Arizona tried, but Maya left her no space

“And I kinda trust you because you’re like this big ball of sunshine, so”, Maya continued without breathing, “take her to eat pizza; she will complain and say it’s not real pizza, but actually she will be enjoying it. And she got into binge-watching series on Netflix now; I didn’t understand half of them, but she likes to be kept company. She also loves foot massages, especially after long shifts...but this one you probably already knew. And if she does go to New York with you, show her all around, she loves this touristic nonsense. If it's the other way around and you move back here, she has recently decided that her favorite activity is riding the ferry. It might change, but just a heads up. I guess what I’m saying is make her the happiest you can, because she deserves it. And never, never break her heart”

When Maya finished her speech, the restroom hadn’t been emptied yet but she didn’t bother waiting. She went back to her table, she could pee later. Arizona just held her head down, taken back from everything she had just heard. She was quick to use the restroom as soon as it was vacant and return to the table, finding Teddy ready to leave due to having a baby to take care of once the nanny's worktime was over and Owen was at the hospital. Arizona took advantage of the fact that it was just her and Carina now.

“So, listen, I know I’m supposed to fly back tomorrow but I was talking to Sofia today and did you know teenagers don’t care about their parents as long as they have food and access to internet? Anyways, so, I was thinking...”, Arizona tried her last shot, not knowing she was basically talking to herself at that point, “I can postpone my trip, spend more time here. I mean, if I have a reason to do it. So tell me, do I?”

She got no response. Carina hadn’t listened to a word of that, she was now strictly paying attention to the date happening on a table near theirs. How they threw their heads back from laughing so hard; how this woman’s hand was touching Maya in every opportunity she got; how stunning Maya looked.

Arizona wasn’t stupid.

“What’s the point of loving from afar?”, Arizona’s question managed to catch Carina’s attention, so she took advantage of that, “Carina, I didn’t come back to Seattle for you. It’s just, when I saw you, I thought about all our good times together and when you became single I thought why not try to conquer you again, you know? And trust me, I tried. But your heart is taken, and it’s not by me”

“What? No, no”, Carina was quick to deny, catching up on whom Arziona was talking about, “we broke up for a reason. Our relationship was basically a dead weight”

“Then you become stronger and pick up whatever dead weight that is”, Arizona said softly, “Carina, when you look at someone the way you look at Maya, and when you talk about someone they way Maya talks about you”, this last part made the Italian confused, “you don’t give it up. You fight for it”

“I...I’m sorry”, Carina apologized, defeated, for not being able to be on the same page as Arizona

“Never apologize for loving someone. I’ll be alright”, Arizona’s tone was understanding and supportive, “get your girl”

Arizona gently kissed Carina’s cheek goodnight and made her way out the door, leaving a thoughtful Italian behind. Finding herself alone, Carina started drinking, glass of wine after glass of wine; no water, no stopping. Now, she had neither Maya nor Arizona, which made her situation a thousand times more difficult. Carina wasn’t the one to get wasted, but now seemed like a good time to do so. After some time, Maya started paying closer attention to the doctor, noticing how much she was drinking. The captain couldn’t ignore what was going on, she couldn’t let Carina drink herself away for whatever reason it was, so she thanked her date for the night and explained she had to help out her friend, she just didn’t give the woman the entire scoop.

“I think that’s enough for you”, Maya said as she approached Carina on the table, taking the glass of wine in the woman’s hands against her will

“No, sto bene”, Carina protested in italian, her slurred voice being a sign of the state she found herself in

“You’re not  _ bene _ ”, Maya stated firmly, looking at the bar to silently ask the bartender to put the drinks the Italian had had on her tab, “come on, let me take you home”

Maya wanted to call an Uber, arguing it would be better and safer, but Carina insisted on walking, defending the fresh air would help her get “undrunk” but protesting against having to walk in the heels she was wearing. Maya took off her own sneakers and gave them to Carina, holding the doctor’s heels in one hand and supporting the woman with the other - Maya couldn’t let go of Carina even if she wanted to; the doctor’s balance was imapaired due to the alcohol level in her blood. At some point, Carina realized having shoes on meant Maya was walking around Seattle barefoot, so she showed concern for it, soon dismissed when Maya said that she still had socks on, so it wouldn't be a problem.

“Arizona is going back to New York tomorrow”, Carina blurted out this piece of information as they were closer to her house

“Really?”, Maya sounded surprised, “did you break up? Is that why you were drowning yourself in alcohol?

“There was nothing to break up”, Carina continued opening up, mostly out of drunkenness

“But I thought you were together?”, this conversation was making little sense to Maya

“Nah, I don’t really wanna be with her”, Carina said in a somewhat funny way

“Why not?”, Maya was insanely curious at this point, hoping Carina would finish the story even though they were already at her door, “isn’t she, like, perfect?” 

“Mostly, yeah”, Carina agreed as she clumsily walked to her front door and tried to open it, “but she has this thing that makes her not good for me”

Maya was left wondering for a few seconds, because Carina was too concentrated on trying to fit her key in the hole. When she finally managed to do so, she walked inside, sharing her reason with Maya before closing the door.

“She is not you”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you're happy hehe


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's the same day it's a new chapter  
> I've had some free time so I decided to write to keep the updates coming  
> also almost seven thousand hits on this what even is life

“She is not you”. Those words echoed in Maya’s mind so loudly, there was not room for anything else. As she walked to her own house, her feet covered only by socks, Carina’s heels still in her hand, she knew the meaning of those four words was very clear; nevertheless, she didn’t know how it would impact them. The fire captain didn’t even know if Carina would recall saying that. 

Sleeping that night was impossible. Maya tossed and turned in bed, trying to forcefully close her eyes every once in a while but her mind was too awake. Although now she had discovered the answers for some of her questions, a thousand more came rushing in. The sunlight invading the room as well as the sound of her alarm clock indicated that she had put herself up for a sleepless shift. Unless…

She called the Station claiming that she would need one of her many saved up personal days today for an “emergency”; no one dared to question the veracity of that information. Maya also called Grey Sloan, pretending to be a pregnant woman who needed an urgent consult specifically with Dr. Carina DeLuca, just to have the confirmation that the doctor had called in sick today. She knew Carina wouldn’t have been able to have gone to work.  That’s when she gathered all the hungover medicine she had and walked all the way to Carina’s place, pressing the bell one too many times. It was over 11 a.m already, the Italian should have been up by now.

“If you press that thing one more time, I will cut your finger off”, Carina threatened the woman as she opened the door

“Looking awesome”, Maya commented as she looked at Carina. The doctor was wearing a shirt three times her own size, no pants and a hair so messy it was like she had never seen a comb in her life.

“If you came here to make fun at me, you can leave”, Carina said but made way for the other to enter anyway

“Fun of”, Maya explained to a confused Carina, “you make fun of someone, not at someone”

“Leave”, Carina stated seriously, holding the door open but Maya just decided to ignore it and made her way further inside the house

“You did an amazing job decorating this place”, the firefighter observed, turning to Carina right after, “I brought you a hungover kit. Got everything you may need in this bag”

“Any chance you got a liver? ‘Cause I’m sure I will be needing a new one after last night”, Carina said regretfully as she sat on the couch, resting her head and closing her eyes

“So dramatic”, Maya noticed, “where is your kitchen? Gotta grab some water, I’ve got some medicine for you to take.”

Carina blindly pointed to the kitchen door. Her brain felt like it could explode at any second now. Maya came back holding a full glass of water and some pills that Carina didn’t even bother asking what were for before taking them. What a great doctor she was. It didn’t take long for the Italian to fall asleep again on the couch. Maya pondered whether she should stay or she should go, but ended up opting for the first. She walked around the common areas, carefully checking out every piece of decoration that Carina had put up. After that, she decided to make some coffee and snooped around in the kitchen in order to do so - Carina wouldn’t mind, she thought. But then she was bored, so bored. How was it possible for someone to sleep so much and so deeply. Also, how was it possible for someone to be so beautiful while hungover? Maya wasn’t able to stop herself from admiring Carina’s features.

“That’s just creepy”, Carina commented as she slowly opened her eyes to find a smiley Maya looking at her

“Hey, you're up. Feel better?”, Maya dismissed the comment, “I made some coffee, want some?”

“Sure do”, Carina replied, “I’m just gonna go take a shower and brush my teeth”

Carina walked to the bedroom in order to do so. Meanwhile, Maya took the opportunity to go to the kitchen and pour the coffee in two mugs she struggled to find. The Italian was back fast, still in pajamas, but nicer ones. Her great smell filled the environment, her half-dried hair falling perfectly on her shoulders, her…

“You’re doing it again”, Carina observed while sitting on the couch

“Here you go”, Maya regained her cool, handing Carina one of the mugs filled with hot coffee and joining her on the couch

“Thanks, I’ll pretend you didn’t invade my kitchen without my permission”, Carina joked, “can I ask you something about last night?”

Maya prepared herself. Maybe Carina did remember what she had said.

“Why do I have your shoes?”, Carina questioned, making Maya’s face drop in disappointment. The Italian didn’t remember, and Maya wasn’t about to bring it up. She was too insecure for it. Perhaps it was all drunk talking.

“You said you didn’t want to walk around in high heels, so I gave you my shoes”, Maya explained, adding a bit more after, “and then you started yelling I love vaginas at the top of your lungs in the middle of the street”

“That’s...no, I didn’t do that”, Carina doubted. She would be way too embarrassed if that were indeed true

“Okay, the last part is a lie”, Maya revealed, “but you did complain a lot about having to walk in heels, oh my god”

Carina laughed at the other woman’s annoyed tone. It did sound like something she would have done; while she liked heels, walking in them were a bit torture, especially if she was drunk. Silence perpetrated afterwards as Carina silently thought about the fact that she loved the fact that Maya had come check on her, she loved knowing that she was the one who had gone through the trouble of taking her home the night before, that she was still here today. She loved that she cared.

"I meant it", Carina broke the silence, "when I said I didn't want to be with her because she was not you, I meant it."

"You remembered", Maya’s voice was low, but the happiness in it could be heard from a thousand miles

"I don't want to be with anybody if they're not you, Maya", Carina continued, "and it sucks. Because you're moving on, and I should too, but I just can't, I can't. And I'm sorry I'm telling you this now it's just...if we are gonna break up, we need to break up for good. I can't keep playing friends with you"

"Carina, I'm not moving on", Maya revealed, "I've been miserable since we broke up. And us being friends didn’t really help my case. I look for you in everyone and I get so pissed when they are not you. I tried so hard, but failed even harder. It's you. No one in the world compares to you."

"What does this mean for us?”, Carina asked

"It means we have two options", Maya pondered, "we can either try again or we need to be completely done with each other"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't kill me i love you


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello gays i mean guys  
> i wanted to give this story a few more chapters however i'll not have free time anytime soon so I've decided this chapter is the last one  
> sorry if i didn't do your imagination justice

"I think my answer to that is pretty clear", Carina stated, looking deeply into Maya’s eyes. Her face serious, focused. Maya's blue eyes shined so bright they could light up the room all by themselves; a tension just about any knife would've had problem cutting. They understood each other, a silent agreement. Soon, a smile was on both their lips, "but we can't jump right back into a relationship”

"You’re right", Maya agreed, not deviating her look for a split second, "nor tell our friends. It will put a lot of pressure on us having to reconcile, I don't need that”

"Okay, good", Carina smiled wholeheartedly 

"But if we're doing this, I need to be honest with you", Maya breathed in deeply, making Carina worried about what the woman was going to say next, "I lied to you. When you asked me if Arizona had anything to do with me breaking up with you...she did. I knew that we were unhappy and you had told me nice things about her so I thought that if you were single, maybe she could give you the happiness that I couldn't.

"Maya", Carina caressed the side of the woman’s face, "no one can give me the happiness that you can"

Maya took the opportunity to catch Carina's lips on her own. God, how they both missed the taste of each other's mouth, the familiarity of their touches, the smell they exhalated. It didn’t take long for the kiss to be deepened, their tongues colliding in ecstasy, their bodies moving closer together, craving contact. The firefighter was more eager and the hand that rested on Carina’s neck soon descended, slowly caressing her chest, her belly and…

“Also, no sex”, Carina said as she breathlessly broke the kiss and took Maya’s hand away

“What?”, caught by surprise, Maya’s voice was pitchy and squeaky, “Why?”

"Do you remember how many times we used sex as a way to not talk about our feelings in the last months of our relationship?", Carina questioned, getting up for safety measures, "that cannot happen now"

"Ok, I get your point, but can’t we have sex and talk?”, Maya began to argument, “we’re pretty intelligent, I’m sure our mouths are capable of doing both”

"No”, Carina decided, trying to maintain a strong posture

"So unfair”, the blonde protested, “it's been so long and have you seen you?”

“Yeah, every day, in the mirror...naked”, Carina incited, making Maya even more flustered

“Fuck you”, Maya cursed as she burried herself in the pillows of the couch

“You wish”, Carina joked laughing and, in response, Maya grabbed one of the pillows and threw at her

-

It was challenging, but they had managed to keep themselves a secret from their friends for almost three months while they got to know each other again. Both Maya and Carina were very dedicated to rebuilding their relationship, careful enough not to waste their second shot at happiness. They focused on talking, reconnecting, expressing their feelings. They talked about what they were feeling and about what they weren’t; about what they thought to be a problem for them during the time they were about to break up; about the things they liked and disliked; about the universe, politics and movies. They felt excited to show each other new things and talk about their days. They were rediscovering Carina and Maya, with all the changes that had happened in the past months - and it was possible that they liked the new versions even better. While it is true they loved being able to work on the emotional part, they had almost broken the no-sex agreement a thousand times now.

“No, go put on some clothes now”, Carina said as Maya walked out of the bathroom naked after having taken a shower. They were at the firefighter’s place - lately they always were; the doctor laying comfortably in bed

“Why? It’s not like you have never seen me naked”, Maya stated rightfully

“Seeing you naked is not a problem for me”, Carina shared, “but seeing you naked and not being able to touch you is”

“That’s on you”, Maya, still naked in the middle of the room, blamed her girlfriend, “and honestly, I don’t get it anymore. It’s been three months already, we have had all the conversations we could’ve possibly had. This is just torture now”

“Why are you so horny?”, Carina asked laughing

“You’re the one who crossed your legs the minute you saw me”, Maya observed, “besides, you’re drooling”

“I am not”, Carina protested, slowly taking her hand to her lip in order to clean it up

Against her will, Maya ended up putting some clothes on before climbing in bed with her girlfriend. 

-

They found themselves at Maya's place yet again. After having worked quite long shifts, they needed to rest, therefore opting for a night in. Carina had just arrived and was taking a hot shower to relax her body a little. She was considering what Maya had said the day before; they had already talked about everything they needed to, even more than once and three months was quite a long time - and that’s without considering the time they spent apart. Besides, the physical part did play an important role in any relationship - yes, relationship - and, truth to be told, Carina missed the fire captain's body too. After changing into one of Maya's t-shirt, Carina walked into the kitchen to find her girlfriend, wearing only a large shirt herself, leaning on the counter arranging popcorn in a bowl for their movie night. However, Carina had other thoughts in mind.

The doctor approached Maya from behind, hugging her waist and placing slow, wet kisses on her shoulder and neck, causing Maya to get goosebumps all over her body.

"Okay, if you keep doing that, I won't be able to control myself", Maya managed to get the words out amidst soft moans and deep breaths as Carina showed no intentions of stopping, now moving her hands up and down the blonde's stomach

"I'm entirely dedicated to making you lose control", Carina sensually whispered in Maya's ears before bitting it, making the firefighter squeeze her legs together hard

"Carina", Maya moaned, "what about our promise of not having sex?"

"Change of plans", Carina moved her hands up to squeeze Maya's breasts over the shirt, "the only promise I am making right now is to give you an orgasm you'll never forget"

And then Maya was up on the counter, popcorn all over the floor, her hands lost in Carina's hair, shirt gone, panties down her ankles. It was a little unfair how Carina knew all her weak spots, taking her sweet time in every and each one of them. She knew exactly when to speed up or slow down; the right moment to give her a gentle bite; to speak words in Italian she didn’t understand, but did wonders in getting her turned on. The fact that they hadn't done this with each other in so long made it so much more pleasurable, so much more needy, exciting. The look of Carina's head lost in-between her legs made Maya lose it, loudly. Once. Twice. Three times. On the kitchen counter. On the couch. In the bedroom.

That was it. That was the last piece of the puzzle Maya and Carina were trying to put back together. Their regained emotional connection was well translated into a physical connection. It wasn't just sex. It was meaningful sex; sex full of desire and want; full of passion; more importantly, full of love.

They realized it made no sense to keep it from anyone what they wanted to yell at the top of their lungs, so they told all their friends, who were so happy they threw a dinner party to celebrate the new old couple. Carina realized it also made no sense to spend 6 out of 7 days of the week at Maya's apartment and not move back there once and for all.

They had found each other again and they were not letting go.

-

“Maya, I do not have time for this”, Carina said as Maya had her pressed up against the captain’s office door; the blonde’s mouth on Carina’s neck, her hands squeezing the Italian’s butt over the thin fabric of her pants. Carina had only gone there to take Maya some lunch, but now it appeared that she would be the…

“Sure you do, I’ll be really quick”, Maya promised before connecting their mouths again. The two were like rabbits now, jumping at each other at any given opportunity in order to make up for the lost time. Turns out Maya was right, their new versions were intelligent enough to talk about their feelings and have crazy, mind-blowing sex.

"Just lock the door", Carina gave in. It would be useless to fight against it; besides, who would be crazy enough to say no to Maya in a firefighter uniform? 

Maya reached for the door lock, pulling Carina with her to the other side of the room right after. This one was all about the doctor, so Maya supported her own self against the desk and turned Carina's body around so the Italian's back was pressed against her front. Kissing Carina's neck, Maya unbuttoned Carina's shirt fast, using one hand to squeeze the woman's breasts over the bra and the other to slowly find space covered by her underw...

"Hey, captain, I need help with…", Montgomery walked in without knocking, looking up to find a scene he for sure wasn't expecting. The two women were quick to gain their compostures back, but the man just froze, "I...you...sex"

"Okay, Montgomery, out now", Maya's firm tone seemed to have woken up her colleague, who left the room clumsily, "and next time, knock!"

Carina was laughing non-stop at what had just happened. She was a bit embarrassed, but everyone had sex, so who cared anyway?

"I think we have traumatized a gay man", Carina commented, still unable to contain her laugh 

"Nah, he was already traumatized", Maya joked, laughing too

"So much for locking the door", Carina blamed her girlfriend a little

"I was too focused on something else", Maya commented, "and who enters their captain's office without knocking? Montgomery got himself a week of doing drills"

"Don't be too hard on him", Carina softly pleaded as she closed up her shirt, giving Maya a sweet goodbye kiss and whispering the next sentence in the captain's ear, "and don't waste too much energy, you owe me an orgasm, mio capitano"

Maya just took a deep breath, trying not to lose her cool.

"Oh, and bring home the uniform"

  
  


But when Carina got home, she had no orgasm nor uniform,

  
  


"This is who now?", Carina asked for confirmation as Maya stood in the middle of their living room with a dog in her arms, a big smile on her face

"This is Romeo, our baby boy", Maya repeated, "well, not so much of a baby since he is already 8 years old, but you get the point"

"Maya, since when do we have a dog?", Carina questioned, trying to be pissed but failing not to smile when the dog started licking Maya's face

"Do you remember that a few weeks ago I told you the station had responded to a fire in a kennel?", Maya asked as she put the dog down, "well, I saw this beautiful weirdo there and I fell in love with him on the spot. Turns out he was up for adoption, I did all the bureaucracy, got him today and he's our dog now"

"You adopted a dog without asking me?", Carina pretended to be mad

"In my defense, you have said a billion times how much you would like to have a pet", Maya defended herself using something Carina had actually said only once mindlessly as they watched some movie with a pet in it, "and I thought I would surprise you. So, surprise?!"

Carina was indeed surprised. She wanted to complain she hadn't been consulted on this, but the do-Romeo, was having the time of his life running around the house, so happily, so full of life. This would for sure bring new joy to their household.

"Alright", Carina gave in with a tough posture, "but he is not sleeping on the bed with us. Also, you're walking him in the morning and, if he pees or poops where he's not supposed to, you're cleaning it up"

That was all talking. With little time, Romeo warmed up to their hearts so much that he basically became the owner of the house. Carina walked him, cleaned his mess and reserved a special place in their bed for when he didn't feel like sleeping in his own - which was almost every night. The two women loved discovering new tricks the dog could do. They were fond of taking walks at the park with Romeo, hand in hand, the dog catching the attention of many people. They were more in love than ever and everything was how it should be - light, happy, sexy, playful, full of love, exciting, unexpected. Because, in the end, that's what Maya and Carina were. And, if love wasn't enough, everything else would be.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you very much to every single one of you. Writing this story was awesome and I'm really hope you enjoyed it. Also, it's still crazy to see how many people have read this story lol
> 
> Have a nice life and always always always always remember
> 
> Carina deserves more screentime
> 
> Bye :)


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